A Powerful Language Tip to Influence Better Outcomes for Yourself and Your People [727 Words]

The words we say to ourselves and others have real consequences, so they must be uttered with skill.  A classic example of a word set that has impacts you may not be aware of is the contraction Don’t.

How you use this simple contraction can impact your results in business and life.

We must handle “Don’t” with skill.

The first thing you need to know about this is that your subconscious mind tends to skip right past “Don’t” which is a problem if you are wanting to influence the thoughts and actions of others.

Here’s an example:

• Don’t think of ice cream on a hot summer’s day.

• Don’t imagine the sweet creamy richness or the cool sensation in your mouth.

• Don’t imagine your favorite flavor or what color it is.

These instructions translate instantly into an image, or a feeling. Your mouth might even be watering by now.  And yet, it is the exact thing you have just been instructed to avoid thinking about.

Did your mother ever instruct you:

“Don’t get your clothes dirty…”

And then you went right out to find the nearest puddle? Or you worried so much about them getting dirty that you accidentally spilled something on yourself?

So if you want your kids to stay clean, create a word picture of what you do want.  “Keep your clothes clean so you look nice when Aunt Agatha arrives. She’ll be so pleased to see you.”

The same goes for managing team members, customers, etc.  Focus on what you do want them to do or think about.

So instead of saying to a client “Don’t worry, I’ll handle this…” you could simply say “I’ll handle this..” and leave the reference to worrying out completely or “Rest easy”, “It’s ok” or “I’ve got you covered”

And instead of saying to your team “Don’t miss this deadline.” say “Make sure you hit this deadline.”

Social psychologists know that even subtle differences in language can have very powerful effects on our thoughts, feelings and behavior which in turn impacts our ability to influence ourselves and others.

With a bit of simple word play, you can create the outstanding outcomes you desire. 

We’ve just covered how it can be hurtful, so when is “Don’t” helpful?

ANSWER: When we use it to replace the contraction “Can’t”.   

DON’T VS CAN”T

At first blush, “Don’t” and “Can’t” may seem synonymous but on closer inspection they have subtle differences that you can use to your advantage when you need to say no.  

LEVERAGE DON’T TO CHANGE A HABIT

Don’t is better than Can’t when you want to build up your willpower to change a bad habit.  Researchers at Boston College discovered that dieters for instance are more successful in resisting temptation when they say “I don’t eat cake” as opposed to “I can’t eat cake.”

“I don’t”, in this context, is experienced as a choice, so it feels empowering and confirms your willpower. “I can’t” isn’t a choice – it’s a restriction.  Most of us rebel when faced with restriction, it tends to trigger resistance which usually plays out as breaking your own rules.

There is nothing harder on the self esteem as not keeping our own word to ourselves. This handy little word trick can keep you on track.  

In the Boston study I mentioned above, 64% of those who said “I don’t eat candy” when given a choice picked the healthier granola bar over candy as their “reward” for completing the study. Only 39% of those who said “I can’t eat candy” were able to resist temptation.

What are some Don’t statements that could help you adjust your habits?

In 18 years of coaching leaders to expand their success and satisfaction in business, celebrities to deal with the rigors of a highly competitive landscape and achievers to create with more ease and flow, I can tell you that uncovering and replacing erroneous thinking patterns is critical to improving results.  Words that are repeated over and over again are one of the biggest ways we program ourselves and perpetuate patterns. This can be either helpful or hurtful.

So remember: (notice I use this instead of “don’t forget”)

1. Paint word pictures of what you do want people to do or think about instead of telling them what you don’t want them to do
2. Replace “Can’t” with “Don’t” whenever you want to claim a new habit that involves eliminating an unwanted behavior

Use “don’t” strategically and you’ll improve your ability to influence yourself and others.