Even successful leaders like Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos waste precious time and energy on unnecessary Dramas.
According to his biographer, Brad Stone, “When he hears something he doesn’t like, his demeanor can become explosive or sarcastic.”
Comments like “Are you lazy or just incompetent?”; “I’m sorry, did I take my stupid pills today?” or [After an engineer’s presentation] “Why are you wasting my life?”
These harsh words undermine relationships, loyalty and productivity. We know he’s successful in business but he’d likely be happier without this nastiness.
Drama is a huge part of the human experience. Hollywood wouldn’t exist without it!
According to The Karpman Drama Triangle theory, when we engage in conflict, someone takes on one of the below roles and the drama begins:
The Victim: “Poor me!” They feel helpless, hopeless, and powerless. Unable to make decisions, solve problems… The Victim needs a Persecutor and desires a Rescuer to save them. This reinforces their helplessness.
The Rescuer: “Let me help you.” The Rescuer feels guilty if they don’t “help”. They create dependency. Focusing attention on others, allows them to ignore their own problems/anxieties and disguise it as concern.
The Persecutor: “It’s all your fault.” The Persecutor role is controlling, blaming, critical, angry, authoritative, rigid and/or superior.
Some things you need to know about the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT):
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All three roles FOCUS ON THE PROBLEM and attempt to AVOID PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY.
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The outcome is typically wasted time, diminished energy and disconnection.
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We all have a starting gate role that we default to when a drama is triggered. Which do you think is your go-to role?
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Persecutors don’t have to be people. It could be a condition like an illness or a circumstance like a natural disaster.
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Within a drama, we can play multiple roles depending on your point of view.
Now that you know about the DDT, you will see these roles play out all over the place. Can you see the characters stepping in and out of various roles in the Jeff Bezos drama mentioned at the beginning of the article?
How to Stay Out of Drama
You might think life will be pretty boring without drama. My daughter tells me I will never be able to write a movie script because I’m known to pass comment on how movie characters could have avoided all the unnecessary drama. But the truth is that when you step into this new approach to life that I’m about to share with you, a wealth of possibilities will open up!
Image from Wikkicommons. Credit: Karpman’s The Empowerment Dynamic.
The Antidotes:
The trick is to focus on what you want to create instead of the problem. In order to do this the protagonists must take a different approach to each situation or interaction.
Your New Roles:
The Creator transforms the Victim role and accepts that we cannot do everything alone, sometimes we are vulnerable and sometimes we need support. You focus on the outcome you want to create and enroll others in your vision.
The Rescuer becomes The Coach and sees everyone as whole. You ask questions that empower the Creator to decide what they want then make a plan to achieve it.
Instead of Persecutor, The Challenger provokes action. You are assertive about your own needs, without blaming or shaming others.
Challenges in our lives can be constructive like someone who teaches you important life lessons, or de-constructive like a loss of a loved one that prompts you to reassess your priorities.
You can shift out of drama simply by how you choose to look at a situation.
Here’s an exercise you can do to practice:
- State a situation that you see as a problem
- Ask yourself: What do I really want? What would the problem disappearing allow me to have, do & be?
- What would this feel like? Look like? Smell like?
- Create an affirmation that claims the desired outcome
Drama can be addictive and just like other addictions, it can derail your life. Learning how to step out of the drama is an ongoing process. Remember to focus on the solutions you want to generate.
My mission is to create a world full of prosperous, empowered leaders who have a positive impact…What do you want to create?
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TONY MAREE TORREY
LA's Foremost Success Coach
Tony Maree Torrey is a deeply experienced leader. A dynamic and sought after speaker and Success Coach.
For 18 years she has been an inspiration and guide to CEOs, celebrities and other top performers. Hired by clients from all over the world, she combines the power of traditional coaching and psychology with evidence-based, advanced modalities and smart business strategies so that high achievers can build on the success they’ve already created, activate their highest impact and expand personal fulfillment.
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